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First time at a dog show, I'll tell you quite plain,
I'll never, no never go back there again. 


The breeder said "show him." when I bought my dog. 
I showed him all right, the whole place was agog!

They gave me a number, they gave me a pin, 
But I couldn't bear to stick the thing in. 


So I rushed to the shop and brought some glue, 
And I stuck the card onto the rear in the loo.

We arrived at the ringside to find we were first, 
In the dog pup class, this part was the worst


By now I was trembling, I felt such a fool, 
But I said to myself, "We'll just play it cool." 


"How old?", said the judge. I heard it quite clear, 
Well, really, thought I, and said, "Thirty next year."

The Steward, poor fellow, threw a kind of fit, 
He sputtered and coughed, his eyes ran a bit. 


"I would have that cough seen to, " I said to him when 
He'd finally stopped... but soon started again.

"Once round the ring, Dear, as fast as you can," 
Said the judge, so I just ran and ran 


But, when I arrived, out of breath I'll admit,
The judge said, " your dog, dear." I felt such a twit.

Off round again, I kept my head bent. 
Oh the shame, my pup crouched and just went and went. 


A lady came running with a bucket and spade. 
With manure that spicy, has she got it made!

We came back to the judge, who said with a frown, 
"Stand your dog." I replied, "He's not lying down!" 


You can take First Place Stand, he said. I said, "Ha!" 
What a job I had getting that stand in the car!

 

Dear Unethical Breeder......

I held your brood bitch last night, as she took her last breath....where were you?

I gave her shelter when she was found abandoned on a busy road in the rain....where were you?

She hid for a week, scared, worn out and confused....where were you?

As she grew to trust, her character emerged, under no pressure, just kindness, security and choice....Something she never had with you

She began to seek my company and quiet affection....where were you?

Three months she was with me, three months, that is all......she had love, enrichment, good food and health care....where were you?

Were you at the Bank? Paying in your profits from the litters of so called 'designer' puppies she provided you with over the many years?

Were you planning a big holiday on the proceeds of her endeavours to reproduce for you?

Were you planning on how to offload the next 'maxed out brood bitch who was no longer of use to you?

Were you wondering how she was? Seeing as you turned her away from your doorstep, knowing her keeper intended to abandon her elsewhere because you wouldn't take her back in?

Well, she found her way to me. I gave her everything that you wouldn't. For nothing, gratis. Because that is what people like me do

You enriched your bank balance at her expense, and turned your back on her when she needed you most

I am enriched from her, for offering her kindness and protection. For life. Until her last breath. I wept at her passing....Where were you?

Author - unknown

 

 Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.

I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.

The litter box is not a cookie jar The sofa is not a ”face towel.

The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet

Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello."

I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house......not after.

I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my bum.

I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.

The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

 

 

As long as forever,

I will stay by your side

I will be your companion

your friend, and your guide

 

As long as you live,

and as long as you care

I will do anything for you

and I will go anywhere

 

I will bring you the sunshine

I will comfort your fears

I will gather up rainbows

To chase away your tears

 

As long as forever

My heart will be true

For as long as I live

I will always love you

 

Author - unknown

 

Top Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Pets Than Cats

1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.

2. Cats look silly on a lead.

3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.

4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.

6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.

7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all.

8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.

9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain.

10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door. 

 

 

 

Dog Property Laws

1. If I like it, it's mine.


2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.


3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.


4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.


5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.


6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.


7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.


8. If I saw it first, it's mine.


9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.


10. If it's broken, it's yours.

 

 

 

Free to good home.....

My girlfriend doesn't like my dog, so I appeal to you

She is purebred from a wealthy area, and I have had her 4 years. She likes to play games, is not totally trained, but we are getting there.

She has long hair and can be a little high maintenance, especially with the nails, but she loves having them 'done'.

She stays up all night yapping, but sleeps while I am at work. She only eats the best and most expensive food. She will NEVER greet you at the door after a long day, or five you unconditional love when you're down. Does not bite, but she can be mean as hell!!

So.......anyone interested in my 30 year old, selfish, wicked, gold-digging girlfriend?

If so, come and get her! Me and my dog want her re-homed?

 

 

 

Bedtime Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,
The king sized bed is soft and deep.
I sleep right in the center groove,
My human being can hardly move.

I've trapped her legs,
she's tucked in tight,
and here is where I pass the night.
No one disturbs me or dares intrude,
Til morning comes and I want food.

I sneak up slowly and it begins,
My nibbles on my human's chin.
she wakes up slowly and smiles and shouts, "You darling beast! Just cut it out!"
But morning's here and its time to play,
I always seem to get my way.

So thank you Lord, for giving me,
this human person that I see
The one who holds me tight
and shares her bed with me at night!

 

 

A dog is the only thing on this earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

Josh Billings (Henry Wheeler Shaw)

 

Dogs love company. They place it first in their short list of needs.

J.R. Ackerley

 

A dog is one of the remaining reasons why some people can be persuaded to go for a walk.

O.A. Battista

 

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.

Robert Benchley

 

If your dog thinks you're the greatest person in the world, don't seek a second opinion.

Jim Fiebig

 

Every dog should have a man of his own. There is nothing like a well-behaved person around the house to spread the dog's blanket for him, or bring him his supper when he comes home man-tired at night.

Corey Ford

 

Properly trained, a man can be dog's best friend.

Corey Ford